The Truth is Out There...?

Hello all,

I feel bad for the last few blog entries I’ve made—after some reflection and re-reading, I realized that I’ve been a little careless about what I’ve been saying and haven’t provided enough context or information for someone who isn’t here in Spain with me to really get what’s going on in my world. I’ve been a little unfair to the Spaniards and am portraying both an unflattering image of those around me and, consequently, of myself.

Happily, this is something I can change. :) Let me tell you what’s REALLY going on here, dear readers.

First of all, I LOVE Spain. I adore the food, the weather (yes, even the rain!), the music, the traditions, the cities, the nightlife, the parks, the art, and yes, the people. For example, the guy who’s sort of like the doorman for our apartment building always greets me with a huge smile and asks me how things are going for me in Spain. I think he feels really proud to have an American living in HIS apartment building ;) but regardless, he’s adorable and always puts a smile on my face. There’s also the guy who owns a kebab place near my school who remembers what I order, what part of the country I’m from, and speaks to me in Spanish and English without making me feel like a dunce. Last week, I spent an afternoon in the park writing postcards and watching children playing, and seeing the Spanish families interact so lovingly filled me with happiness. And we can’t forget that guy who let me stand under his umbrella in the pouring rain so many weeks ago—I think he’s very important to remember. The people here have, by and large, demonstrated to me that this is a warm, welcoming, casual, social, and family-centric culture.

Now. Catcalling in Spain isn’t exactly the same as it is in other places. From what I understand (from my limited knowledge of Spanish history and culture), it is generally seen as a way to compliment a woman without losing a sense of one’s manhood. Perhaps the aggressive—and quick to reject—nature of Spanish women contributes to its prevalence (this is just conjecture on my part). Spanish women are notoriously difficult (according to all the guys I’ve talked to—especially my American friends, poor guys) and when they reject a man’s advances, they generally do it brutally. Coming from a culture in which the feminism of our grandmothers has catapulted into a culture in which a slightly off-color comment can get you slapped with harassment accusations, yet women turn right around and expect their bad behavior to be tolerated because they feel entitled, or “men have had this coming,” I’m not exactly used to having men be so forward and publicly… appreciative. For awhile here, I actually really enjoyed the catcalling, because for the most part it wasn’t disruptive to my day, the things people were saying to me were generally nice and not too raunchy, and hey, it feels good to have someone say, “Hey, look at that hottie,” to their friends as I pass by. It’s nice to know that guys find me attractive, even if this isn’t exactly the manner in which I would choose for them to express it.

Lately, I’ve been feeling a bit of frustration with life in general (it’s just a stage of cultural adaptation and nothing to worry about, it was bound to happen sooner or later), and men have become the target of my wrath purely because, well, a certain few exhibited some bad behavior right about the time I needed a target to shoot at. Several female friends have had very recent, very bad experiences with guys (both Spanish and American) that I had originally seen as wonderfully sweet and harmless, and add that up with a few rude comments from creepy old guys and one friend who actually had a guy try to grab her very inappropriately when she was merely walking down the street, and RAWR, I AM AN ANGRY WOMAN, AND MEN ARE THE DEVIL!!! Oh, boy.

Clearly, men are not the devil. In fact, I find that I often prefer to hang out with my guy friends because, generally speaking, they’re quicker to say what they mean, get to the point, decide on a purchase, they can keep up with me drinking, and they make better dance partners. I’m just sayin’. :P No, but really, I appreciate my guy friends SO much—when I need someone to talk to, they make great listeners and honest advisors; when I’m down, they bring me ice cream and funny movies or take me out dancing; they don’t mind when I swear like a trucker, and they teach me new things, like how to each sunflower seeds, and don’t laugh TOO much when I fail (thanks, Ben!); when I get myself into “situations” I don’t know how to get out of, they step in and clear things up without me even having to ask; when I need someone to walk me home at four in the morning, they don’t hesitate and they don’t bitch about how far away I live; and when I make a fool of myself, they are (for the most part) perfect gentlemen and don’t make fun of me or tell embarrassing stories at school the next day. The men in my life are what add the color, the depth, and the sanity to what would otherwise be a world way too full of estrogen and drama. Thank you, guys; you are truly great friends to have.

So, if I sounded a little (or a lot) like a raving mad man-hater in my last posts, please realize that the anger comes from frustration at seeing the pain my friends have experienced, and just the fact that I’m exhausted from eight months of being “that foreign girl” everywhere I go, of struggling to communicate, of feeling like an animal in a zoo (I get a lot of stares, even when I dress like a European), of stressing over travel plans, and of missing some of the people I love most in the world.

I also want to apologize to the universe for insinuating that I’ve been incompatible with the wonderful guys I’ve dated over the years. Yeah, so it didn’t work out, but the truth is that I really have dated some great guys who were all really right for me during the time I was with them, and who I still admire, respect, and care very deeply about. In fact, I am still on very good terms with most of them, and the rest I don’t talk to just because I don’t know how to get in contact with them! Enfin, I may have made some interesting dating choices in the past, but I always made them for the right reasons, and I always had at least some degree of compatibility with the guys I chose to date. I just don’t want anyone to think I harbor any hard feelings towards any ex-boyfriends—in the grand scheme of things, the disagreements were small, and the fights rare, and I’m willing to let that stuff be water under the bridge.

I think part of this much more peaceful and forgiving attitude comes from the fact that I’ve recently gotten back in touch with a few guys who may have hurt me (and who I hurt) over the last few years, and the amount of respect, forgiveness, and love that they have demonstrated to me really makes me feel happy, hopeful… and bad about giving men such a hard time. :P So, thank you, friends. You really are some special guys, and I want nothing more than to see you ALL happy and healthy.

It could also simply be that I am returning to my senses after an episode of over-emotional irrationality. I would like to believe that, deep down, I am a peaceful and forgiving person. :)

Wait—did I just express all of that in coherent English?!?! Clearly I haven’t been speaking enough Spanish lately! :P I’d better go fix THAT problem right away! OH—by the way—Concha has started teaching me Sevillanas so that I can dance in the street on Día de la Cruz (May 3), and she says I’m great already! Especially my hands and arms—I guess I was just born to dance Flamenco. ;) ;) But shh, I want to surprise my friends here and whip it out when they’re least expecting it!! Teehee! Sometimes, life is really fun. :) The sun was shining today, and I walked home just as the sun was beginning to set, when the sky was gold and baby blue with white polka dot clouds. Just when I think the world is all blackness and meanness after a hard weekend, the universe has a way of sending me gentle reminders that I am ok, the world isn’t full of crappy people after all, and the best thing I can do for both myself and the world around me is to be happy and keep loving, even when it’s hard.

I send my love across the ocean to you, dear reader, with a hug and a smile,
Pura Vida,
Kelsey

PS. Please think positive thoughts in the direction of Iceland and its nasty volcanoes… apparently, another one is supposed to erupt soon, but I need it to wait until I’m safely home in the states, ok? I understand that the world thinks it’s coming to an end, but please help me remind it that Kelsey needs to be back in Bellingham to see some adorable chicks, a lovely little apartment, the best big brother ever, the most supportive parents, and the best friends a girl could have before Armageddon rolls around. ;) Thanks.

A Note of Gratitude

I am so grateful for my wonderful friends—for Kat and April and Rowan and Lydia and Nora and Concha and Zach and Matt and my big brudder and my mama and my daddy and for everyone who has been holding me up and enhancing my life with every positive thought they think about me. I swear to you—te lo juro—that you guys must be sending me some pretty freaking positive juju, because my life has been a series of amazing moments, awe-inspiring moments, and moments of intense connection with the world around me recently. I know it cannot always be wonderful, but I am starting to adhere to the theory that our moments (or day, months, or years, as the case may be) of darkness help us to appreciate the light and the goodness of life when it is good.

GUYS. I am HAPPY. HAPPY. Daily, weekly, from moment to moment, I’m happy. It’s something I didn’t expect to find here, and it really snuck up on me, but here I am, living in a new, strange city and culture and speaking a foreign language and making new friends and I’m HAPPY. Laughter comes easily all of a sudden, and I think I’m smiling more than I have in… too long. France was an amazing experience as well, but I wasn’t happy there like I am here. I was GLAD to be there, but I am happy here, and just happy with life in general here, and God, Universe, Love, whatever might be out there that is bigger than my small self, thank you. Whether or not you had anything to do with me coming here to find my happiness, thank you for my existence, for the opportunity to prove to myself that I am stronger than my circumstances, that I am bigger than bitterness, that I am smarter than stagnation, and that I am braver than I ever thought possible.

Thank you, everyone who loves me and thinks of me kindly and fondly from time to time. You are the hands that propel me upwards and pushed me out that door and onto that airplane—metaphorical and physical—that whisked me away from emotional death to the baby phoenix of new beginnings and new opportunities. My behbeh phoenix is growing healthy and strong and trying out its drying wings. Off we go together into this sweet, small world! Thank you for blowing away the ashes that stifled us.

I love you.

Kelsey


PS. I will blog about this WONDERFUL WEEKEND tomorrow. Stay tuned. It's been exciting. :)

Feliz día de San Valentín!

What a lovely weekend in. I considered going out each of the nights this weekend, but each night I had a really strong sense that I really just ought to stay in and let my body heal a little more from its violent revolt last week. It’s hard to believe that only a week ago I was lying sick as a dog on a hostel bed in Italy, not even sure how I was going to get on the plane the next day. I promised myself I would take it easy this weekend, and I am really grateful I actually followed up on that promise. There are many more weekends to go out and cause trouble; this rainy, cold weekend was a good one to spend inside, bonding with Concha and letting my stomach heal. Even just last night it was feeling a little punky, so I think tea and cookies were a better plan than beer and tapas. Just maybe. :P

Saturday afternoon, Concha and I looked through all my pictures of Morocco and Venice, and then she asked to see pictures from home, so I showed her a lot of pictures from the last few years, either at home or at Scripps. It made me miss you guys a lot. She loved the Melissa/Alayna/Kate/Kelsey pictures from the end of Freshman year—remember those? And she also loved the ones that Matt took of me and of Bellingham this past summer. And she commented on how much Heath looks like Mom, and Mom looks like me, and I look like Dad, haha. And we both commented on how beautiful I look with my natural haircolor, actually. She said, “I like you as a redhead, and I really like you as a brunette, but I think my favorite is when your hair is this nice honey color, how did you do that?” Haha! I was struck by how much I like the way I look with my natural, weird, indefinable hair color as well. I’ve been having a lot of fun playing with colors and stuff, but I think maybe I’ll want to graduate college looking as naturally ME as possible. So maybe this summer we’ll start the transition back to that. We’ll see. You know me; I change my mind at the drop of a hat when it comes to things like this. :P

Oh my, will you look at that. It’s Valentine’s Day. I hope you all have had or are having a wonderful Valentine’s Day. I feel like I should do something to at least recognize the day as it passes. I remember what an absolutely wonderful day it was for me last year. Oh, you know what? Here’s what I’ll do. I’ll make a playlist of songs I’ve been listening to a lot lately so that, if you want, you can go listen to them and feel closer to me, knowing we’re listening to the same music even though we’re thousands of miles apart. Goofy, but I like it. Ok, here goes.
1. Hush Now – Catherine Feeny
2. Why Do You Let Me Stay Here? – She & Him
3. All I Do is Dream of You – Michael Bublé (I definitely dance around my room to this)
4. Rain – Bishop Allen (Every time I get caught outside in the rain, this pops into my head)
5. I’ll Be Seeing You – Billie Holiday
6. Where does the good go? – Tegan and Sara
7. At Least that’s What You Said – Wilco
8. Runaway Train – Soul Asylum
9. For Me, It’s You – Train
10. I Still Don’t Believe You – Catherine Feeny
11. Everything Will Be Alright – The Killers
12. Show Me the Reason – The Cash Brothers
13. Midnight Coward – Stars
14. Portions for Foxes – Rilo Kiley
15. Weakest Shade of Blue – The Pernice Brothers
16. Barcelona – Rufus Wainwright
17. Singing in the Rain – Jaime Cullum (I love this version of this song)
18. I Can’t Stay – The Killers
19. Undecided – The Magic Numbers
20. Perfectly Lonely – John Mayer
21. No Sé Por Qué – Chayanne (Memories from Costa Rica…)
22. Come Downstairs and Say Hello – Guster
23. Quiero Saber – Gypsy Kings
24. War of My Life – John Mayer
25. Volver – Estrella Morente

Ok, so, in looking at this list from an objective perspective, I look like I’m really depressed and heartsick. Hahaha! Don’t worry, I’m not, I just like these songs. And I’ve been having fun looking through my music to find stuff that I haven’t listened to in a long time which I really loved at one point in my life. Also, for some reason, I find that listening to sad music makes me happier sometimes.

I swear to god, you guys, I just really love these songs!

Speaking of music, Concha has a huge library of Jazz and classical and pop music, and she’s letting me put it ALL on my computer. Yay! Homework looks like a lot more fun when I have tons of new, good music to accompany it.

So, uh, happy Valentine’s Day! :P I love you all very much—will you be my Valentines? ;)

Pura vida y mucho amor,

Kelsey

PS. If you want to break your own heart, or someone else’s, for that matter, I recommend the song “Ne Me Quitte Pas”—there are many versions out there, just youtube it. Concha’s favorite version is by Nina Simone. I can’t decide which my favorite is. Just thought I’d share, in honor of V-Day. ;)